Mirror Mirror

More often than not

I find myself watching my own reflection in the mirror

For hours and hours

Acting out how I’m gonna end things with you

When in actuality I’m telling everyone that we’re doing great

Even you

You think we’re doing great

Everyone believes in us

But me

I can’t help but be uneasy

Panicked and freaked out

Scared to death

So I practice and practice

Yell and scream and point fingers at myself in the mirror

Then as I walk towards the door

I chant a silent prayer for God to keep me sane

I chant a silent prayer for Him to end my pain

— Dee 51

Almighty

I believe with every ounce of my soul and my being

That God will reveal you to me

No matter what you’re trying to hide

No matter how hard you try to tip-toe your way around me and run circles around your past

I will figure you out

Because He will guide me

He will not do me unjustly

Because He knows how hard I’ve fought to stand tall on my feet today after all the dickheads I’ve struggled with my whole life

God will guide me

He will guide me

Because I believe in Him

And I believe that only He has my back

Now, and forever..

— Dee 51

Heads-Up

If they are stingy with their words, odds are they are stingy with everything else

Love, affection, care, and money

If a word means so much to them

Words, haha, the things we throw around the most on the planet

The things we don’t even think of or account for

(I tell you I miss you every single day without giving it a single thought..)

If your words need to undergo a hundred screening processes

To be filtered and re-filtered

To be evaluated, calculated, budgeted and re-budgeted

If you would like to hold on to your leverage THAT hard

Then I can only imagine how much more

Just HOW MUCH MORE

you would like holding onto your love, your possessions, your touch, your heart, and everything else that you have to offer

So thank you, baby,

Your silence and stinginess are the best warning I could have ever asked for.

 

— Dee 51

You Deserve A Forever

I wish I could write this without these annoying tears running down my face.

My dream, my safety, my one, my only.

I could and I would and I will cry rivers for you.

Because you deserve an ocean.

You deserve a galaxy.

You deserve a universe and much more than just that.

You deserve an eternity.

The one thing I couldn’t give to you.

A forever.

The one thing I can’t grant you.

I tried… I tried so hard to give you love.

All the love that I had and all the love that I knew existed.

I tried, my love.

My guardian, my prince, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything… I tried.

I thought I could make it work.

I thought I had everything under control.

What I didn’t have under control was how much I was growing fond of you.

How much I got addicted to your existence.

How badly I wanted to run my hands through your hair.

I lost control of everything.

My time, your time, our time together.

My fate, your fate, our fate together.

I lost control of everything around me as I dedicated my life to cracking jokes…

Just so that I can hear you laugh

Have a glimpse at your dimples just for two seconds

Oh how I’ve missed your laugh

“Come closer” to my heart, it beckons.

My dear, my sweetheart, my charmer,

Please bare with me.

It breaks my heart so bad to feel this way

It breaks my heart to have you go through what I’m going through

I sympathize with you because you feel what I feel too

We are apart yet I’m not complaining
Yet I’m not liking it yet I’m thankful
Yet I’m miserable yet I wouldn’t have it any other way
Yet I’m trying to think straight yet I think I’ve lost my mind

If I know one thing… It’s that I love you

If I know another thing… It’s that I can’t do this but I want to

I completely understand if it’s hard to believe or decipher

I know I’m typing in code

-.– — ..- / .- .-. . / – …. . / .-.. — …- . / — ..-. / — -.– / .-.. .. ..-. .

Morse isn’t better than me

What about my code?
Funny you’re asking
Even I don’t have it figured out

All I know is that fate will do what it does best

Decide for me.

I’ll be by the shore…

Pouring rivers into the sea

Trying so hard to turn it into an ocean

Although an ocean it will never be

No matter the effort and emotion

No matter whether I beg or plea

I could give him all my devotion

But I always fail to a certain degree

I crave his presence with every motion

My heart skips a beat with his glee

He healed my heart like magic potion

Kept the lock and threw the key

So tell me, if you really loved something,

Would you have the heart to set it free?

 

– Dee 51

What If

What if you weren’t the worst person I ever came across in my entire life

What if your bad intentions had some good in them

What if you stayed

What if you had another side to you that I never knew

A nice side

A side that was not rude and disrespectful

A side that was sane

Human

Decent

Sweet

Loving

A side that was not you

What if you were not you

What if I’m going out of my fucking mind

What if you drove me crazy

What if I start thinking in a ‘what if’ kind of manner

What if you actually loved me

A tiny bit more

What if I deserved it

What if I was better

Prettier, smarter, nicer, a tiny bit more charming

Would it make any difference? 

What if this was all a dream

Or a nightmare

Please wake me up

What if I go back to smoking

What if my head stops turning

What if my head stops hurting

What if the room stops spinning 

For just one second.. one second

Please make it stop

What if I see you again next year

What if I never go back to the way I was before I met you

What if my soul never heals

What if I stay broken

What if I never believe in love again

But what if I survive

What if I strive

What if I stay alive?

— Dee 51

Missing You

I wish I could put into words how much I miss you

No matter how expertly I twist my words

No matter how fast I can manipulate a dictionary to get the necessary vocabulary to describe a secondary visionary of my legendary and evolutionary complex love for you

No matter how hard I try to alter a fixed reality

I fail to describe this situation

Of missing you

Missing you without craving your presence

Missing you by wishing that you are having the time of your life away from me

Because I am a bad influence

I am greedy and I am selfish

Selfish and greedy because I wanted you for my own self only

I was jealous of you because you got to spend more time with yourself than I could ever spend with you

I wanted to spend every beating second with you

I still do I still do

Which is why I miss you

But how do I miss you?

The closest thing I could get to understanding how I’m missing you was a quote I found

It says,

“Cause missing you feels like the sunset and not a night goes by where I walk towards the shore, wishing you’d shipwreck and just stay home.” – R.M. Drake

I wish you stayed home…

My darling,

I just wish you stayed home.

— Dee 51

Twisted

I look back and laugh at it

I can’t believe it happened

I can’t believe I did it again

One more douche was added to the list

And when I told you that

You turned out to be another douche on my list

You asked: What’s a douche?

I said: Google it.

You said: Please don’t disrespect me. I didn’t disrespect you at all. I still value you and think you’re a great girl.

I said: When did I disrespect you?

You asked: What’s a douche then?

I said: Asshole.

And then, you said: Well, I may be an asshole but I’m the best asshole you’ve ever seen.

I look back and laugh at your words

I laugh hard and loud

Then I start crying

I cry hard and loud

I cry because of how disappointed I am in you

I cry because you’re just another man that let me down

A man that didn’t fail to disappoint me

A man that showed me his true colors a bit too late

I wipe my tears

I stare out the window

I picture us together

My head is on your chest

Remember when I said I could stay like this forever?

You’re gone now

Like this

Forever

You’re an edge I can’t reach

A wound that won’t heal

The smell of skin that’s burning

I didn’t know you’d be insane

But it’s true

And you say,

All I am to you

Is a

“Pain in my neck

Thorn in my side

Stain on my blade

Blood on my knife”

Been dreaming of him

All of my

Life but he won’t come true

He’s just my nightmare I woke up to

He’s twisted like a rope that is wrapped around my throat but the worst part of all is he really doesn’t give a

He doesn’t give a shit. 

— Dee 51

P.S. last few lines are lyrics from Twisted – Eminem ft. Skylar Grey.

Next time you’re looking for a Hookup

Next time you’re looking for a hookup

Don’t look for someone like me

I am too much for you to handle

I am fire and wind

I am activism and freedom

I am power and strength

Next time you’re looking for a hookup

Don’t look for someone who will leave you with a million regrets

Someone you will never come across again

Someone you only meet once in a lifetime

Don’t look for someone like me

Next time you’re looking for a hookup

Look far far away from here

For this is a place of creativity

A place of art

A place of honesty and kindness

A place of growth and forgiveness

This place is my heart

Next time you’re looking for a hookup

Don’t put your hands around a body

A body that will surrender to you

A body that knows no limitations

A body that will blow your mind away

A body like mine

Next time you’re looking for a hookup

Don’t look for a dreamer in a pool of pessimists

Don’t look for an angel in a pit of hell

Don’t look for laughter at a large funeral

Don’t look for teary eyes behind smiles

Don’t look for sleepless nights and chains of nightmares

Don’t look for passion that could destroy a universe

Don’t look for someone who stands up before they even fall

Don’t look for someone like me

Don’t look at all

But most importantly

Next time you’re looking for a hookup

Look for someone with no shame or self respect

Look for someone who is worthless

Look for someone from the same sect

Look for someone who doesn’t care much

Look for someone you can neglect

Look for someone who isn’t special

Look for someone you can reject

Look for someone with no purpose

Look for someone who can’t object

Look for someone

Someone who can never understand the immense power of love

And how it’s the  utmost important subject

Look for someone who is never true 

Look for someone who is just like you.

— Dee 51